Awe! Look who's been let off-leash...

Customer: *in snooty voice* "I need your help!"
Me: "Okay, what can I do for you?"

*Insert long conversation about vibes and "better" vs "worse" vibes - and not just quality wise - she is definitely lost when it comes to what floats her boat and ask a bunch of questions in regards to HOW these will get her off. After all this she looks at our large selection of vibes that I just pointed out to her and looks disgusted.*

Customer: "I don't know anything about *insert good quality toy brand we've spent the last 10 min discussing*, I've heard of *insert notable European toy brand*, why don't you carry any of them?"
Me: "There just isn't the demand for that type of thing in town."


You DO realize you are in the middle of butt-fuck-nowhere, don't you?
Do you need help getting back to wherever your husband let you out of?

How quaint.


- TSP -

You get what you pay for.

That's not just a saying y'know. In our Capitalist society you really do. So, when you buy a $10 toy you get the quality and longevity of a $10 toy! It'll be noisy, it'll break easy, all that jazz... So, don't complain to me when it sounds like a freight train when you turn it on... it cost you less than meal! Gimme a break!


- TSP -

You get what you ask for...

Remember that if you place an order with us:
a) The time I tell you is a approximate time, which is why I say "about 3 weeks". DO NOT call in a week and ask where your order is. I don't have it. And I won't... for say abooout 2 weeks... ;)
b) And we call you to tell you it's in... it _really_ is here now! You can come pick it up anytime. So, when it's been several weeks and you haven't come to pick it up it we put it out on the shelves for someone else to purchase. Don't get mad at us that you have to order it again 6 months later! Only you can prevent this from happening again. We've done all we can...
c) And we call you, and call you, and call you, and leave you messages, and call you once more with no luck, DON'T get mad at us that you "didn't receive your order"... it's been sitting here waiting for you. I don't know you. Or where you live. Or that you wanted us to call your work number (that you didn't give me)... We've done all we can...Come get it sweetheart!


- TSP -

Why did I even ask?

Me: "Hello!"
Customer: "Hrumf."
Me: "Are you finding everything okay so far?"
Customer: *grunt*
Me: "Uh, okay... Well, let me know if you have any questions?"
Customer: "Yup."
... few moments later...I am standing at the till with a counter full of toys two big boxes next to the till and I'm busily scanning/typing them into inventory...
Customer: "Making work?"
Me: *thinking* "Yes actually! I _am_ the dumb one here. As I recall _I've_ been the adult managing to form full sentences up till this point of time!"
Me: "There is always work to be done around here..." *polite smile*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Me: "Hello!"
Customer: "I'm not buying anything!"
Me: *thinking* "Then why are you wasting your time in a _store_...? Perhaps there's a job you could be doing that'd make you money AND make you stop wasting my time?"
Me: "Let me know if you need anything..."


- TSP -

Addict Throwback

Back in the day when I worked for Adult Video Store* (AVS) I would see a bunch of almost exclusively men come into the store who obviously had an addiction to porn. This wasn’t a mere liking of porn; this was an obsession with porn. They NEEDED porn to get them off, not liked it occasionally for a solo-night-in. (I’m happy that people are becoming more aware of sex addiction as being an ADDICTION. Thanks Dr. Drew! ;) )

Anyways… these men have a particular vibe to them; they have a certain way they carry themselves, a certain way they speak… and I can point these types out now with great accuracy.

Now that I work at the Classy Adult Boutique* (CAB) I get far fewer of these men in the store. Primarily due to the fact that at the Boutique we do not rent videos, nor do we sell magazines – those items being the primary source of intake for your average addict. But every so often one of these guys comes into the store. It may be confusion on their part (assuming we sell/rent videos) or they are just checking out the store because they have never been here before.



Today I got a winner. He come into the store at 4pm asking why we close at 6 and aren’t open later? [Note: AVS is open 24 hours.] I tell him that we are open later on Thursdays and that we make up for it by being open seven days a week. He then move along to go check out the store…and arrives back moments later with a male masturbator and a rather large dildo. (As a side note: Addicts tend to see extreme acts portrayed in the more intense films out there and some believe that these are the appropriate way to perform love-making acts. Humiliation, degradation, sexism are some of these. The use of “Big Toys” is also tied in there – probably somewhere between humiliation and degradation. It is a trend I’ve noticed that the largest toys are usually sold to those who fit the Addict profile.)

Whilst I ring in his purchase he attempts to make conversation, but really just makes things awkward for both of us. Then, as he is exiting the store he walks past the change rooms (that are very obviously change rooms with hooks on the walls, and full length mirrors) and comments, “What are those? Are those video trial booths?”. “No,” I say “those are change rooms…for trying on lingerie...?”

Really, sir? Did you see any videos whilst walking around the store? Take your head (and hand) out of your pants for a moment and think! We are not AVS, nor are we the dirty adult video store down the street (which does, for note, have try-them-before-you-buy-them booths). We have custom shelving, hardwood floors and fireplace. Thank you for assuming but do you really think that a girl like me would want to clean up your spooge for a living? No one gets paid enough for that! …especially not me!

Good day sir! I hope the inappropriate touching you will do to yourself later goes well…

*names have been changed to protect the innocent




- TSP -

It's the best toy in the world! ...now in blue!

I'm sure all retail workers have come across these customers: the customers who come in wanting a very particular item but have nothing to go on but a vague description.

Sometimes it's a tale they've heard from a friend or co-worker, sometimes it's just bad memory on their part... but it's always vague... and they are always determined to get it!

"Hello, how may I help you today?"
"I'm looking for something for my wife."
"Okay. What did you have in mind?"
"I don't know..."
"A toy? A game? A book? Some lingerie?..."
"I don't know... *blank stare* Well, she said she wanted a toy..."
"Okay, let's go walk over to the toy wall then! *walks over* What kind of toy was she interested in?"
"She had one before and she really liked it."
"Okay. Do you remember what kind?"
"It was blue."
*thinks: this is going to be a long day....*


- TSP -

The begging of the end...

I work in retail. Exciting eh? But not just any retail... I work in Adult Retail. Interested yet?

I've worked in the industry for about 5 years now - two as a clerk and one as a manager at an adult video store, and two as a manager at an adult boutique.

These are my stories...


- TSP -