I don't want to know what you thought you were looking at...

Customer: *standing at lube rack, holding a bottle of lube.*
Me: "Finding everything okay?"
Customer: "Yes.... Oh! But were is your lube?"
Me: *head-desk*


-TSP-

Language barriers are fun!

Customer: "Do you have movie?"
Me: "All our DVDs are on that rack. We only have educational films, no pornography."
Customer: "NO! No pornography! Just movie."
Me: "So, you'd like an educational film that you can learn something from? Or would you like a film where you watch people having sex?"
Customer: "No, no learning. Just story."
Me: "Okay. No, we don't carry pornography."
Customer: "No movie?"
Me: "No. No movie."


-TSP-

Blind leading the stupid.

Dearest Customer,

If you are trying to buy lingerie as a gift for your significant other, please - for the love of Pete - find out what SIZE of underwear they wear. "She's about your size," or "She's a bit bigger than you," doesn't help me at all. There are a lot of people "bigger than me". Also, I'm wearing a baggy work shirt, how do you know what size of underwear I wear? (And staring at my chest while you size me up isn't making you any friends.)

I can't help you find the right sized garment if you can't tell me what size person you are shopping for. I've never met this person, I really can't just make a guess and hope it's right. Please do your homework.

<3
Your friendly neighborhood smut peddler.


- TSP -

Words escape me...

customer walks into my store and approaches me as I stand in uniform at the computer/till:

Him: "You open?"

...it's gonna be a long day...


- TSP -

Give, and you shall receive.

A male in his 40's comes into my store the other day and proceeds to look around the store. He takes his time to look through everything and when I approached him to see if he was doing okay after a few minutes he says he has a question for me. I suspect that he's going to start going into round one of the "What's that?" game, but he only asks about the oral sex gels in front of him. Their names might imply there intended use for fellatio, but most of them you can also use for cunnilingus. I explain to him this information to him and he stand there looking at me and in all seriousness asks: "What would be the benefit of that?". I just looked at him in disbelief and replied: "Uh? She'd like it?!"


- TSP -

Miss Knowitall

Dear Miss Knowitall,

You don't. I know you think you do. I know your ego is almost too big for this room, but you need to real it in just a BIT for a few moments and you may even learn something new!

Just because you and your friend owned a corset once, DOES NOT make you two experts on the subject. I've worked with lingerie for 5 years; I've MADE corsets; I'm a costume designer. I know a thing or two about material, fitting, etc. SO please shove it when you "know how it works" because you "own a bunch of corsets". You obviously don't. If you did, you wouldn't have spent 30 min trying on TWO corsets that were never going to fit you no matter how much you tried. If you have the wrong size, it won't fit. End story. Also, it helps if you actually undo the lacing of the corset before you put it on. It's like shoes, just because you can't fit your foot in them when they are all laced up, does NOT mean they don't fit. It just means you are too stupid to leave your house.

Next time, ask for help. I know this is almost beyond you because you believe you do not have to play by the rules of the normal Joe. But just this once: suck it up buttercup.

<3
Your friendly neighborhood smut peddler.


- TSP -

Oh! Now I remeber you!

At our store, we are able to give out a "Friends and Family" discount to those we consider in one of those categories.

A lady comes into my store:

Her: "Hi! I know you. Remember me!"
Me: "No, sorry, I don't."
Her: "We met through our friend Jeff!"
Me: "Jeff who?"
Her: "Jeff who?! You know! Jeff X!"
Me: "Jeff's more like a friend of a friend..."
Her: "Oh, you did! I remember you!"
Me: "Oh, really? Okay."
*I go on to help her find a few items. She comes up to the till.*
Her: "Jeff said that you'd give me the friends discount!"
Me: "Oh did he now? Well, we usually reserve that for our FRIENDS. Sorry."


- TSP -

Communication is the key. Pt 2

Adjectives - like big, small, blue, purple, round, straight - are your friends! Please use them.

When you tell me you are looking for a particular toy, but you can't tell me it's name, OR a description of it...well, sorry sir/madame, you are shit out of luck. I am still a young Jedi and I have yet to hone my mind-reading skills. So until I level up you'll have to bring me a picture, or send me link or SOMETHING. Because frankly I have no.fucking.idea what you may be after...

kaythxbai.


- TSP -

The "What's that?" game.

Sometimes people come into the store and play the "What's that?" game. Here's how it's played:

The game is usually schedule (beyond your knowledge) to start on a slower day customer-wise but when you have a ton of paperwork to do at the computer. This ensures that no other customers will interrupt game play and that the customer receives all of your productivity points. You know game play has started when the customer asks you if they can ask you a question about a product and they walk you to the toy wall. After they get you there they will proceed to ask you a question about a particular product. You answer, and the next round of play continues with the customer pointing to the product beside it asking "What's that?". You answer, and then they point to the product beside it and ask "What's that?".

The game play continues in an infinite loop until everything in the store has been talked about or until the customer replies "Oh." in a knowing tone and exits the store hurried manner (as it's now been anywhere up to an hour since they entered the store and they are now running late) - only then may game play end and points be awarded.

Note: Purchases are never to be made during game play. The customer always wins no matter how many knowledge points you dispensed during play.


- TSP -

This will be on the test...

Customer: "Do you have any massage oils?"
Me: "Yes. Let me show you."
*I walk with them past several shelves pointing at the different lines we carry, describing them in detail*
Me: "We also have scent testers up at the till so if you would like to smell any of them just let me know."
Customer: "Yes, could I smell them?"
*We walk back to the till where I open up several testers for them to smell. They go through several of them and pick their favorite.*
Customer: "Okay, I'll go with this one." *stares at me for a while*
Me: "Would you like me to go get one off the shelf for you?"
Customer: "Oh, you don't have them behind the till?"
Me: *head-desk*


- TSP -

This is why I love my job.

Every once and while that person who is a ray of sunshine comes into the store and you get to honestly help out another human being and touch their life. It's an amazing feeling.

This one day a pretty average looking, middle-aged lady come into the store. As she was looking over the toys I went over to check on her - she seemed to be distraught and confused. As we were talking she confessed that her partner has just told her that he was seeing someone else. And if that wasn't bad enough, it was due to the fact that due to medical reasons she didn't find intercourse pleasurable so their sex life had suffered because of it. She burst out into tears as she was telling me this story.

I helped calm her down and after she had composed herself again we talking it out more so that we could find a toy that was to her liking. She was sill very shy but as we finished at the till she sincerely thanked me for my help. A few days later she returned to the store to thank me again for my help and patience.

Helping people find themselves, gives one a wonderful feeling of accomplishment.


- TSP -

Communication is the key.

I completely get that not everyone feels as comfortable as I do talking about this type of thing. Really, I do.

However, I would LOVE if you could at least manage to make simple sentences to express yourself to me as I don't know you'd like to be left alone unless you tell me. Please don't get snappy at me when I ask you how your day is going and if you need help finding anything. It's my job. I happen to work here y'know...

Also, if you are a customer who asks me questions, I'm going to assume you'd like the answers to them. Don't cut me off before I can finish the first sentence of my reply. It really angers me... and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry! ;)


- TSP -

How bad do you want it?

Within our store we have a tester rack dedicated to our top selling toys. We've taken one of each of these toys out of their packages and put batteries in them so that people who are deciding can look at them can see how they function. These tester toys have been out on that shelf for months, if not years. They definitely show signs of wear and tear (discoloration, cracked battery cases, etc). When we sell out of a toy we usually take its' tester off the shelf so that we aren't teasing potential customers with product we can't provide them.


A guy comes in today and heads over towards the tester rack and tries out a couple of the toys. He then comes up to the till with one of the items off of the rack.
Him: "Do you have this one in a package?"
Me: "Sorry, I sold the last one yesterday and forgot to take it's tester off of the rack. We should be getting more in when our restock arrives next week."
Him: "Can I just have this one?"
Me: "You do realize that that one is off the tester rack, and has probably been touched by every person that has entered the store? Do you really want it that bad?"
Him: *disgusted* "I'm going elsewhere!"
Me: *thinking* "Can you take your attitude with you?"
Me: "Uh... okay?"


- TSP -