Customer: *standing at lube rack, holding a bottle of lube.*
Me: "Finding everything okay?"
Customer: "Yes.... Oh! But were is your lube?"
Me: *head-desk*
-TSP-
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Language barriers are fun!
Customer: "Do you have movie?"
Me: "All our DVDs are on that rack. We only have educational films, no pornography."
Customer: "NO! No pornography! Just movie."
Me: "So, you'd like an educational film that you can learn something from? Or would you like a film where you watch people having sex?"
Customer: "No, no learning. Just story."
Me: "Okay. No, we don't carry pornography."
Customer: "No movie?"
Me: "No. No movie."
-TSP-
Me: "All our DVDs are on that rack. We only have educational films, no pornography."
Customer: "NO! No pornography! Just movie."
Me: "So, you'd like an educational film that you can learn something from? Or would you like a film where you watch people having sex?"
Customer: "No, no learning. Just story."
Me: "Okay. No, we don't carry pornography."
Customer: "No movie?"
Me: "No. No movie."
-TSP-
Friday, October 14, 2011
Blind leading the stupid.
Dearest Customer,
If you are trying to buy lingerie as a gift for your significant other, please - for the love of Pete - find out what SIZE of underwear they wear. "She's about your size," or "She's a bit bigger than you," doesn't help me at all. There are a lot of people "bigger than me". Also, I'm wearing a baggy work shirt, how do you know what size of underwear I wear? (And staring at my chest while you size me up isn't making you any friends.)
I can't help you find the right sized garment if you can't tell me what size person you are shopping for. I've never met this person, I really can't just make a guess and hope it's right. Please do your homework.
<3
Your friendly neighborhood smut peddler.
- TSP -
If you are trying to buy lingerie as a gift for your significant other, please - for the love of Pete - find out what SIZE of underwear they wear. "She's about your size," or "She's a bit bigger than you," doesn't help me at all. There are a lot of people "bigger than me". Also, I'm wearing a baggy work shirt, how do you know what size of underwear I wear? (And staring at my chest while you size me up isn't making you any friends.)
I can't help you find the right sized garment if you can't tell me what size person you are shopping for. I've never met this person, I really can't just make a guess and hope it's right. Please do your homework.
<3
Your friendly neighborhood smut peddler.
- TSP -
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Words escape me...
customer walks into my store and approaches me as I stand in uniform at the computer/till:
Him: "You open?"
...it's gonna be a long day...
- TSP -
Him: "You open?"
...it's gonna be a long day...
- TSP -
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Give, and you shall receive.
A male in his 40's comes into my store the other day and proceeds to look around the store. He takes his time to look through everything and when I approached him to see if he was doing okay after a few minutes he says he has a question for me. I suspect that he's going to start going into round one of the "What's that?" game, but he only asks about the oral sex gels in front of him. Their names might imply there intended use for fellatio, but most of them you can also use for cunnilingus. I explain to him this information to him and he stand there looking at me and in all seriousness asks: "What would be the benefit of that?". I just looked at him in disbelief and replied: "Uh? She'd like it?!"
- TSP -
- TSP -
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Miss Knowitall
Dear Miss Knowitall,
You don't. I know you think you do. I know your ego is almost too big for this room, but you need to real it in just a BIT for a few moments and you may even learn something new!
Just because you and your friend owned a corset once, DOES NOT make you two experts on the subject. I've worked with lingerie for 5 years; I've MADE corsets; I'm a costume designer. I know a thing or two about material, fitting, etc. SO please shove it when you "know how it works" because you "own a bunch of corsets". You obviously don't. If you did, you wouldn't have spent 30 min trying on TWO corsets that were never going to fit you no matter how much you tried. If you have the wrong size, it won't fit. End story. Also, it helps if you actually undo the lacing of the corset before you put it on. It's like shoes, just because you can't fit your foot in them when they are all laced up, does NOT mean they don't fit. It just means you are too stupid to leave your house.
Next time, ask for help. I know this is almost beyond you because you believe you do not have to play by the rules of the normal Joe. But just this once: suck it up buttercup.
<3
Your friendly neighborhood smut peddler.
- TSP -
You don't. I know you think you do. I know your ego is almost too big for this room, but you need to real it in just a BIT for a few moments and you may even learn something new!
Just because you and your friend owned a corset once, DOES NOT make you two experts on the subject. I've worked with lingerie for 5 years; I've MADE corsets; I'm a costume designer. I know a thing or two about material, fitting, etc. SO please shove it when you "know how it works" because you "own a bunch of corsets". You obviously don't. If you did, you wouldn't have spent 30 min trying on TWO corsets that were never going to fit you no matter how much you tried. If you have the wrong size, it won't fit. End story. Also, it helps if you actually undo the lacing of the corset before you put it on. It's like shoes, just because you can't fit your foot in them when they are all laced up, does NOT mean they don't fit. It just means you are too stupid to leave your house.
Next time, ask for help. I know this is almost beyond you because you believe you do not have to play by the rules of the normal Joe. But just this once: suck it up buttercup.
<3
Your friendly neighborhood smut peddler.
- TSP -
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Oh! Now I remeber you!
At our store, we are able to give out a "Friends and Family" discount to those we consider in one of those categories.
A lady comes into my store:
Her: "Hi! I know you. Remember me!"
Me: "No, sorry, I don't."
Her: "We met through our friend Jeff!"
Me: "Jeff who?"
Her: "Jeff who?! You know! Jeff X!"
Me: "Jeff's more like a friend of a friend..."
Her: "Oh, you did! I remember you!"
Me: "Oh, really? Okay."
*I go on to help her find a few items. She comes up to the till.*
Her: "Jeff said that you'd give me the friends discount!"
Me: "Oh did he now? Well, we usually reserve that for our FRIENDS. Sorry."
- TSP -
A lady comes into my store:
Her: "Hi! I know you. Remember me!"
Me: "No, sorry, I don't."
Her: "We met through our friend Jeff!"
Me: "Jeff who?"
Her: "Jeff who?! You know! Jeff X!"
Me: "Jeff's more like a friend of a friend..."
Her: "Oh, you did! I remember you!"
Me: "Oh, really? Okay."
*I go on to help her find a few items. She comes up to the till.*
Her: "Jeff said that you'd give me the friends discount!"
Me: "Oh did he now? Well, we usually reserve that for our FRIENDS. Sorry."
- TSP -
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